I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
