Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
