I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
