Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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