Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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