I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It was confusing and full of hummus
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
