Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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