I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
