quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
