i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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