Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
