you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
