Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
