apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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