Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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