Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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