Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
