My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
