Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
