How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
