All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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