I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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