Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
