somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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