im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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