Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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