Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
