I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
