Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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