I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
