I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
two words: eviction party
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
