Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
