My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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