fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
