Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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