Soap is not a condiment
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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