Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
