that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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