well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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