Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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