I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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