Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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