if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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