i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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