So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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