my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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