Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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