who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
