he shaved USA in his pubs
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
