Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
