Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
