If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
