I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
