So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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