get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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