You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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