Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
