this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
