My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
why do cheetos always look like penises
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
