In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
