its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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