Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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